need another drink. this is the easiest way
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
