Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
