she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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