My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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