i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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