Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize