Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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