It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
