and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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