Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
