This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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