I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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