i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
