Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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