Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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