I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
drinking out of a sandbucket again
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
