i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Who died my cat blue again?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
