so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
