my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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