she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
