you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
