i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
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