I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
