dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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