mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
