I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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