Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I enjoy the company of your penis
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