The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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