i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I would ride that face into the sunset
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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