I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My feet surprised me
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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