genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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