I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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