I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
There's always time for handjobs
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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