Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
