There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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