This dress was meant to end up on your floor
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
