Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
