Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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