it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
