I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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