I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
