Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
