k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
two words: eviction party
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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