three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
