Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
