he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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