So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Randomize
