she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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