i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
