It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
