Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
