i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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