My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
