I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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