I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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