Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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